I Remember

He turns twelve today. An official pre-teen. The years have flown by so quickly. I can still remember that very first time that I held him. 

It was the scariest few seconds of my life.

I had been in labor for days. "Something wasn't right," my instincts screamed as we headed to the hospital...again.

I was admitted this time. In my own room, finally, they had hooked me up to the monitors. I didn't like the sound of my baby's heartbeat.

The doctors face told me that he didn't either, but he was kind enough to try to put on a good front. No good doctor wants to scare a pregnant woman.

They had to induce me. Nothing happened.

Hours later I still hadn't dilated enough. Baby's heartbeat was getting worse. The doctor himself took a look to see how we were doing. He looked  at me very worriedly. "There is a tear in the placenta lining, but the baby's head is blocking it. That's why your water hasn't broken. If we can't get it to break we'll have to do a C-section."

They eventually had to tear the lining just above the baby's head. My water broke and the pain began.

He came soon after...

...but he wasn't crying...

They put him on some sort of warming table. The nurses and the pediatrician were cleaning him off. I watched and listened.

Fear gripped me tighter and tighter as the seconds passed...

One small plaintive cry came from the tiny little bundle! Followed by another!

They placed him on my stomach for only a brief moment.

He looked beautiful! Every finger and toe just as they should be, but....

"Ma'am, I'm sorry but we have to take him now. He isn't breathing like he should," the pediatrician stated matter of factly.

"I know. Do what you have to. Help him."  Gods I was so weak.

I looked at my then-husband. "Follow him. I'll be alright. Watch him for me."

He shook his head yes and followed the nurses and pediatrician out the door. My heart went too as I stayed on the bed as the gynecologist cleaned and sewed me up.

As soon as I could stand I was up and walking to the pediatric area. My heart skipped a beat when I saw the oxygen tube in his little nose and IVs in both his arms. The nurse that was working on him told me that the doctor was on the phone at that moment calling the children's hospital in Boise. They were going to have to send him there due to a sever breathing complications. It was one of the best NICUs in the area.

I nodded. I couldn't talk. I cried silently . I couldn't hold his little hand, because of the tubes, so I held his tiny foot instead. I stood there saying silent prayers to all the gods.

The e.m.t.s came quickly with a special incubator. I kissed my son on top of his head and got out of the way. I watched as the e.m.t.s worked diligently but carefully. I cried as I watched them wheeled my son away down the long corridor.

My doctor came out of the nurses station at that moment with release papers for me to sign so that I could follow my son to the children's hospital.

I followed.

A one hour drive. Just hours after giving birth. I followed.

Seeing him in the NICU almost had me on the floor. They had put several more tubes into his arms. They had to remove his umbilical cord in order to put a tube into the artery that was there. It was easier for him that way so that they could draw blood and get medications into him without having to poke him constantly. He had the oxygen tube in his nose and monitors attached to him. It was a scene straight out of a science fiction movie.

For eight days I begged friends for rides. I borrowed money for gas to drive to Boise. I called the children's hospital every few hours when I wasn't there. I had two toddlers at home. I couldn't stay at the hospital as much as I would have liked. I saw him every day for at least a couple of hours. I only missed one day and it broke my heart.

On the ninth day he came home.  There had been a few close calls and they had so many tubes connected to him. It was a very scary experience.

To this day he has asthma, but he is otherwise healthy. I am grateful for every day that I get to hear him say, "I love you, mom."

Every year on this day I relive those nine days and all the fear, panic, helplessness that I felt then.

I am very grateful to have him in my life and I wish him Many Blessings and Much Love on this special day!

~Faye~

Life Is Too Short

There was a truck vs car wreck at my work yesterday. I did not witness the actual accident itself, but I did see the emergency crews do what they do best, keeping order and saving lives.

I watched the watchers. I watched what could have been a tragedy unfold and just how quickly it became a spectator sport. The people that filled up my parking lot to gawk at the accident, take pictures and sometimes get in the way. I wanted to scream at the watchers to either help or get lost.

The ones that touched my heart were the men that ran to help as soon as the accident happened. (It is a very small town and there are plenty of guys that are trained as volunteer firemen and paramedics.) One young was really shook up when he came into the store, after the emergency crews showed up, to wash the blood off his shaking hands.. He couldn't have been more than 20, a former volunteer fireman that was in town visiting his girlfriend.

Both drivers lived and there were no passengers in either vehicle. I simple mistake of running a red light on a 40 mph highway that could have been worse.

I realised that I felt helpless. I wanted to run out and help. How? I don't know. There were plenty of people who knew what to do out there at the scene. I didn't want to be a nuisance so I kept my distance.

The rest of my shift was a blur.

Life is short. So very, very short.

It can end or altar drastically in an instant.

I am NOT where I want to be at this moment in my life. That is a fact.

I have found several "reasons" why I am only making baby steps to get to where I want to be. Those are excuses!

Some of the reasons are legitimate, but too many of them are from my ego, myself and my fears getting in the way.

One legitimate one is my financial situation. It sucks! (As my daughter would say.) Yet, I know that it will improve and I will HAVE TO start taking larger strides in the direction that I want to travel.

There is a plan forming in my head. It starts at Yule. I should have my internet back up by then (it will be going off in a few days of this posting) and I will be sharing my experiences with you. I will try very hard to do this daily. It's something that I haphazardly started on Summer Solstice and I have to confess I haven't been as ardent as I should have been.

Mama Moon and Me

Transforming ones life is no easy task, but time is short...Life is short...too short!

From now till Yule I will be studying my minuscule witchy library and coming up with tasks for me to do to better myself and my life.

There is way too much of life that I have yet to live.

Changes will occur. (I am not comfortable with change!)

The road will fork from time to time.

But I have faith!

After all...Life Is Too Short... for me to let it pass me by.

I owe it my children...

...I owe it to myself!

Life is too short...

Time To Live!


Blessings and Love

~Faye~