Stoke the Fires

Merry Meet and Welcome to my Hearth!

Pull up a stool as I stir my Cauldron and let us trade little tid-bits of information on spells, potions, brews, and the real every day life of Woman, Witch, Mother, and Wife.

Merry we meet, merry we part, and may we merry meet again with Many Blessings and Much Love to All!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

A Self Portrait of An Abuse Survivor

I've been sitting here wondering how to explain my experiences with abuse. Which experience to share?

There are fragmented moments in my memory of molestation, rape, incest that happened when I was a child. There are more images so crisp and clear. Memories that still shock me with their vividness. Rape, beatings, harmful words, exploitation, pain.

Please do not pity me.

I am stronger for every experience. I am more aware of the foulness that a child and a woman can experience and overcome.

At the age of around 5 my sexual experiences with men began with a neighbor. I can almost feel the old mans ragged breath on my ear. I can hear his words again, almost feel his hands on my sacred places, as he described how my body would mature and change. I stood there numb, confused, so stiff and still.

I celebrated the day he died.

There was also my friend's brother, not long after the previous incident. I had gone to see if my friend wanted to play, but she had gone out with her mother. Her brother in cited me in to wait. He showed me some pictures of naked women, telling me that when I grew up I would look like them. I was confused at the response my body had to his touch and lay there like a doll. He took advantage of my wearing a dress to slip his penis past my underwear. The second that it touched my Hymen, I began to fight and ran home. In shock and fear I ran home, and quietly went into the restroom where I got sick and hid my underwear with their spot of blood in the trash.

I had a family member that I looked up to, almost like a big brother. He gave me "special" attention when we were alone. Young and just starting to bloom into womanhood, I trusted him when he said that his "special" attentions were normal but a secret.

I repressed those memories. A child's mind going blank to protect itself from experiences that a child should not have to endure.

The day my friend's brother came back into my life, my world shifted.

I was surprised at the primordial, murderous rage that filled me. At the young age of 12, I could have easily slit his throat as memories flooded my brain. Touches, words, pain. I felt and heard them again.

I was betrayed.

I ran home. Told my mother all. We both cried. She told me that I should have told her when those "things" were done to me. It was too late to do anything about them. I should not have LET "them" do those "things" to me.

It was too late for her to help her daughter.

She never told my father, but neither did I.

My mother played a very strong role in how I would view men and sex during my formative teenage years. (She is also a subject for another time.)

As a preteen I was encouraged to wear make-up, high heels and short tight clothing. Granted I was informed and taught that there was a fine line between sexy and sleezy, but aggressively encouraged non the less.

It was part of the culture that I grew up in. A young women must act and dress maturer than her age. Marriage to an older man was the ultimate prize. Marry young, have lots of babies, bow to your husband's every whim, keep quiet, know your place and above all be complacent.

Thank the Universe for my father! (I'll explain his quiet foundational role in another blog!)

At 15 I was raped by a stranger at knife point. Young and naive I kept quiet while the man conducted his business with the body my mind had escaped from. I don't know how I got home. I came back to myself in the shower. Scrubbing hard in the steaming water while tears of repulsion ran down my cheeks.

I almost committed suicide that night. Once again my father played a quiet, vital role.

Within a year I was dating a very handsome young man. We considered marriage. We were happy except when we argued. One night he beat me. A slap on the face followed by punches to the stomach. While I lay on the ground he wrapped his hands around my throat. He screamed and yelled. After be left I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.

Two nights later, he came to apologize. We started arguing again. He knocked me down and started kicking me. He left me on the ground and drove away.

My parents were gone both times and the neighbors never called the police. I never told anyone at the time.

Skip forward a few years. At 20 I met a man that I would marry. We would have three beautiful children. I followed him clear across country. Away from my family and friends. He became the center of my world.

He had a habit that I eventually joined in. He liked Meth and marijuana. I used to worry when I would be at work, because he would go hang out with his friends, our children tagging along. He encouraged me to take part in his indulgences and I did. My excuse was that it would keep him home.

It did and our relationship deteriorated. He was passive-aggressive. He was too smart to hit me, but he was good at playing mind games. He could reduce me to a mumbling mess of tears and self loathing with a few words. He played upon my past, my low self-esteem and my weaknesses. His favorite taunt was warning me that he could disappear into Mexico with our children and I would never see them again.

I feared him. I used to wish he would just beat me, so that I would have physical evidence of the abuse he enjoys doling out.

I sobered up. He left us and filed for divorce.

He is a psychological abuser. He still plays his games to this day. He knows he has no hold on me with his lies and taunts.

In a twisted way, I owe him thanks. He was the last straw, so to speak. I have opened my eyes to my strength and will.

He still plays his games, but now with our children. Unfortunately Idaho has no laws against psychological abuse. I protect them as I can. It breaks my heart that I can't stop or at least make his visits supervised.

I have lived through several forms of abuse. I am still working on my self. I take it day by day.

I refuse to call myself a victim. Having a victim mentality implies that my abuser still has power over me.

Being a survivor means that I have taken back control of my life.

This is only a small part of my self portrait. A small example of some of what I have survived.

If you have experienced abuse, don't be shamed into keeping silent. Speak out. It could help others know that there are other survivors.

To state again:

Abuse comes in many forms...and hurts anyway that it is dealt out.

Open the dialogue.

Be aware.

Report it.

Seek help.

Share your story.

Let the healing start.

We need to share the pain to lessen the hurt.

We need to pass on the message that "It Shouldn't Hurt To Be A Child".

Blessings and Love,
~Faye~


Friday, April 20, 2012

"It Shouldn't Hurt To Be A Child"

For the 5th year radio DJ Keke Luv is doing his "Live for 175" broadcast to bring awareness to Child Abuse.

This event takes place in Boise, ID on 103.3 KISS-FM. This year's event will has started today at 10am today (as I write this) and will continue for 175 hours ending April 27. Keke Luv will be traveling around the Treasure Valley, with scheduled stops, during the live broadcasting in a van renovated into a small radio station.

Keke Luv went into the mobile radio station with nothing but the clothes on his back, where he will live for 7 days. The twist is that every 4 hours a poll will be taken on Facebook, on what items Keke will be allowed to have to make his stay as bearable as possible such as water, food, toilet paper, a pillow, a foot rub, etc. He will not be able to leave the confines of the van that will travel to various locations during the broadcast.

Anyone who wants to share there story can call in, write in or stop by one of the live locations during the broadcast. The schedule for appearences is here.

It seems like such a simple idea to broadcast live for a week and welcome people to share their stories of abuse. This man has had the courage to do some of the darndest things to bring awareness to this cause and he has changed so many lives!

Keke Luv's fight for awareness began in Spokane, WA where he along with Lucky the DJ were working for one of the radio stations in that area, when news broke of 4yr old Summer Phelps. She was tortured and treated worse than an animal until the day she died, by her father and step-mother. This story touched his heart and his zeal followed him to Boise.

2008-The first year of "Live for 175". Keke Luv went 7 days with no sleep and broadcasting live.

2009-Keke Luv ran 7 marathons in 7 days. He ran and walked and made his goal. Cameras and his radio crew following his every painful step.

2010-Keke Luv repeated his 7 days of no sleep, going a step further by adding an 8th day in honor of Robert Manwill, a little boy abused and killed in Boise, and all the children abused that year.

2011-Keke Luv went 7 days without food while staying atop the Child Abuse Awareness billboard on the corner of 9th and Front St. in Boise.

Keke Luv has garnered a loyal following of adults and children who listen in, call in and show up for his "Live for 175" broadcasts. They have held up signs of support at the marathons. They held a candlelight vigil on the 7th night of the 2010 broadcast. Many become volunteers and supporters that help make this broadcast event the success that it is.

The "Live for 175" broadcast events are not held to raise money. Keke Luv does what he does to raise awareness and open up the dialogue on Child Abuse. He has opened the minds and hearts of hundreds (thousands?) of people to come forward, share their stories and start their healing. It's a way for people to reach out to one another. A way for victims...no...survivors to know that they are not alone and it's ok to tell someone. To talk about being abused. To reach out for help and healing.

Many people will call in to share their stories. Many are grown ups, but too many, far too many, are so young. It is very heart wrenching to hear the youngest ones that call in to share. Many lives have changed and will continue to change thanks to the hard work that Keke Luv and all the people involved, put into this broadcast event!

He is an inspiration to so many!

Abuse comes in many forms...and hurts anyway that it is dealt out.

Open the dialogue.

Be aware.

Report it.

Seek help.

Share your story.

Let the healing start.

We need to share the pain to lessen the hurt.

We need to pass on the message that "It Shouldn't Hurt To Be A Child".

Blessings and Love,
~Faye~


Thursday, April 19, 2012

Revealing Me

It isn't easy to fall in love with yourself. Falling in love with you means accepting all the flaws that are part of the package. It's very hard to get past one's physical appearance when we are hit on a daily basis of what the media offers as standards for what is considered acceptable.

When I looked at myself in the mirror...and fell in love with myself...I really took a hard look at myself and my body.

I took a long hard look at my stomach and cried. There is, what I call, a kangroo pouch. It will never be naturally flat, no matter how many crunches I do. There is a slight overlap of skin on the underside.

I felt the familiar angry, ugly, emotional words begin to dance in my thoughts...until..

Gently ran my fingers along the verticle "tiger stripes" of discolored flesh. Live for my children ran through me and transforsmed my thoughts. I cried in utter joy and fascination as my own Mother Love washed my thoughts clean.

This imperfect part of me was the covering for the inner core of what made me Woman. It sheltered the womb that had brought forth life from within it's warm, secure confines.

Multiple times, this imperfect part of my body, had created something beautiful and magical out of a relationship that had robbed me of My Self. That Self that is part of the Creatrix in all Her glory. Several times this beautifully imperfect part of me had shown me how strong I am and how much pain I can overcome.

The housing of my womb, had brought forth life and it had lost life. Those painfilled times that the magic did not take hold and slipped from this world accompanied by my tears. Those moments of agony have allowed my Mother Love to grow. To expand beyond the Mother Instincts for my own children, to include all the children of this world.

My Mother Love lives, grows, strengthens within the beautiful shelter with it's markings of gloriousness. Mother Love brings forgiveness for all the wrongs I have done and all the wrongs done to me.

I can forgive and love my children. I can forgive and love my abusers.

I can forgive and love My Self.

This imperfect, beautifully marked part of me has opened my mind and my heart to re-birth the Mother Love that is My Power, My Legacy.

I Love Me!

I Love You!

Can you learn to Love You?

Many Blessings and Much Love to All,
~Faye~


Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Many Blessings and Much Love to All!
I just wanted to get this short note in before bed.
As you can tell my last couple of blogs have been very short. I, once again, do not have internet on my PC. finances being what they are. The last couple of posts have been done through my phone (love technology!).
So at least my blog is in operation again. My YouTube, though, is still active and I will work on getting blogs up using wifi and my phone. (Got my fingers crossed for that one.)
I am on Twitter and Facebook daily. So you can catch me or message me on either one.
My life has been hectic the last few months. Karma is a bitch, but I accept the consequences of my actions.
I still want to do a "contest/drawing" for my venues. I have been planning to do one for some time. The prize(s?) has been my issue.
I am still around and am planning a very very personal blog tomorrow.
I got a glimpse of where My Path has been leading me with all it's bumps, dips, twists and turns. I realize that all that I am going through is for a reason.
The Goddess works in wonderous ways!
Sweetest Dreams!
~Faye~

Falling in Love

I had an emotional moment today. A positive emotional moment.

I started to walk past a mirror. There is nothing special about this mirror in itself. I walk past it several times a day. Nothing has changed on this mirror. Except today...

The difference was IN the mirror.

The difference was IN the person IN the mirror.

The difference was IN me.

I stopped and looked. For once I saw past the flaws. I saw the beauty in my imperfections and embraced them. Accepted them. Fell in love with them.

I fell in love with my imperfections and their beauty.

I fell in love with ME!

Take a moment to see the beauty behind the flaws.

Take a look at the beauty of your true self.

Accept the real you.

Fall in love with you!

It's a romance that can last a lifetime if you'll let it...

Blessings and Love,
~Faye~

Monday, April 16, 2012

Spring Cleaning!

It's that time of year. The days grow longer and warmer...not here though. Weather is still goin back and forth!

Despite the weather, I've caught the Spring Cleaning bug like many others. I found an article that has some great homade cleaning "recipes" that I am eager to try and pass on.

http://www.pauladeenmagazine.com/articles.php?id=240

I hope you have fun with this!

Blessings and Love,
~Faye~