Reflecting the Darkness Within

Ostara, the Vernal Equinox, the second of the Spring festivals is a few days away. Spring teases us with brief glimpses of warmth. Mother Earth begins to awaken and her rebirth as starting to be visible. This is the time to bless seeds for future growth. Time for us to awaken and refreshing our homes, our spirits, our lives, our selves.

What do you want to grow in your life? What do you want to reawaken? The possible answers to these questions could be endless, as varied as there are readers. Since I can't read your minds I'll use my own shortened list as an example:

• Prosperity: The abundance to cover our needs and to help out those who are less fortunate than us.
• Love: The ability to love myself, as much as I love my children and husband.
• Harmony: To live peacefully within our home, with our neighbors, our community, and our world.
• Strength: To know when to speak, know what to say, how to stand up for my beliefs, and when to keep silent.
• Wisdom: To accept my weaknesses, embrace my strengths, acknowledge what I need to change in my life, and to seek out the answers to my questions.

The way that I came up with this abridged list wasn't easy. It took the culmination of several incidents to come to a head one night and for me to finally face the Darkness Within myself. It was very hard, scary, and it brought me to tears.

This was my working...

On a quiet night, when the waning moon rode across the starry sky and my house was still, I gathered my tools: 3 large pillar candles, a towel, a lighter. I arranged the candles around the bathroom where they wouldn't fall or catch anything on fire. (I had cleaned the bathroom thoroughly earlier that day.)

I closed and locked the door. With lighter in hand, I faced away from the mirrors and turned off the lights. I began to disrobe. I was shaking in fear, but I was resolved to finish this dark period in my life. Little did I know what I would truly be facing.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Slowly I turned around to face the largest of the mirrors, still with my eyes closed. I did my Seven Breaths, grounded and centered, and turned my bathroom into sacred space. (I took the chance of not casting a circle as I would be using the shower as part of the working.)

Slowly I opened my eyes and faced my dark reflection. Scared, yet willing to face the Darkness Within my life, my past, my present, myself.

I used an invocation that I had written to call the Dark Lady. I called her by many of Her dark names. I felt Her void-ness deep inside my dark reflection.

I lit the candles and faced myself. My naked self. I was shocked at the look that I saw reflected on my face. Pain, anger, fear, shame. All the dark emotions plainly visible. The void began to fill with them...I began to fill with them.

I forced myself to face myself. No lies. No clothes. I examined my body, my heart, my soul. I looked at myself harshly and judgmentally. Every ugly word I had every heard about me or that I had ever thought about myself, filled my head. Tears began to roll down my face as flashes of dark thing that I had ever thought, done, felt, or said were reflected back at me.

I looked deep into my own eyes and welcomed all of these dark emotions. They flooded through me. Anger, fear, jealousy, hate, loathing, disgust, shame, pain. They filled me.

I felt like I was going to implode. I wasn't going to be able to hold on to all this black vile much longer. I looked deep into my own eyes, the windows to my soul and said:

"I love you and I accept you as you are."

A fresh wave of tears fell from my eyes as I felt all that cold, bubbling blackness loosen and change into something soft and warm. I almost lost my balance as the heaviness lifted off of my soul and my heart began to fill with love and hope.

There was truth in those words. I did love myself and I did accept myself as I was, imperfections and all. It was then that I felt my Lady's touch. Gentle as it was. I knew that I had done the right thing. No I hadn't banished the Darkness Within, that had never been my intent.

I thanked the Dark Lady, by all the names that I had called upon, for coming and aiding me on that night. She had helped me to see the Darkness Within. She had helped me to see me.

Using only the candlelight, I took a long hot shower. I could feel all the weighty ugliness flow down the drain as I scrubbed. I was cleansing myself, my body, and my spirit.

It came to me that the Darkness Within was not something to fear or be ashamed of. We all have this Darkness. It is something that is never faced or talked about. If it isn't recognized, it can turn into something ugly on the outside as well as the inside. It can blister and boil in the soul turning our lives into chaos.

The Darkness Within is a tool that we can and should learn from. We can harness and use the power that is there, not to harm but to heal. When we face it, we take control of it, but to take control of it we must accept it. When we accept it we can change our lives. We can begin to heal ourselves and begin to grow.

What did I need to ask for to balance the Darkness Within? What blessings would I confer onto my family and myself? The list came to me.

I stepped out of the shower, dried off, and snuffed the candles. I checked on my children. Went to my room, grabbed my notebook and pencil and began to write my list. I rewrote and condensed it many times, until it is the simplified list that it now is: prosperity, love, harmony, strength, and wisdom.

That's what I want to grow in my life. That's what I want to reawaken. How about you?

Blessings and Love.