Love is a Four Letter Word

Having joined the Pagan Blog Project a good way into the year I thought it would be fitting for me to start with Love as my chosen L word.

Please excuse me as the "fluffy bunny" side comes out mixed with the Dark Mama! ;-)

Love is a very valuable tool for any witchling to have in their repertoire.

Love can heal or harm, just like magic can be either.

Love is amazingly powerful!

Love is the strongest of bonds that joins a mother and child long after the cord that connects them has been cut. It is the bond that cements when the crying newborn quiets at the sound of it's mother's voice and suckles at her breast. It can be witnessed almost enviously, when a child stares into it's mother's eyes.

Love is in the passion that flares between lovers. It is felt in the ebb and flow of a passionate embrace. It is known by the guileless laughter and joy that lovers can share in the most carnal moments. It smolders in a knowing smile.

Love is the quiet stillness that swells the heart when Mama Nature blesses us with a glimpse of her beauty. It is seen in a sunrise on a mountain top. It is felt in the clean wild air that gracefully caresses the skin.

Love is the greatest gift when a living being sacrifices it's own life to save another. It is shared in the story of a K-9 who jumps into the path of a bullet meant for it's handler. It's in the sacrifice a mother makes to protect and save her children.

Love is the gentle touch that comforts. Love is in the kiss that heals a scraped knee. Love is the breathless moment of "I do". Love is an old couple walking hand in hand down the street. Love is a grandson gently helping his grandmother into a car.

Love isn't all sunshine and flowers.Love has a dark side as well.

Love can be the teary cry of heartache at a lover's indiscretion. Love can be the angry ex that kills the formal spouse out of jealousy. Love can be the boyfriend that weeps after he beats his girlfriend out of fear and insecurity.

Love can change lives.

Love is strangers running to the scene of an accident to offer comfort and aide. Love is a nurse comforting a dying patient. Love is a community gathering to honor a child beaten to death by his family.

Love is the teacher that takes the extra time to help a student with a learning disorder. Love is the coach that pushes the athlete to improve himself. Love is the mentor that holds a client accountable to improving his or her situation.

Love is looking at the mentally or physically challenged without fear or judgement. Love is becoming a foster parent to a child born with a drug addiction. Love is teaching our children not to judge others by the way they look.

Love is looking at someone who has hurt you and saying I forgive you. Love is listening as your ex rants and raves about everything that is your fault and understanding why they are doing what they. Love is looking at an enemy and really seeing where they are coming from.

Love is looking at yourself in the mirror and accepting yourself as you are. Love is facing your inner deamons and finding the love you have always had for you.

Love is finding Spirit within. Love is seeing Spirit in everything around you.

Love is looking at your life and saying, "Thank you!"

The strongest magic is done from a place of Love. When you love yourself enough to know and accept who you truly are, your magic will be so much stronger.

Love is taking control of and truly living your life.

Love is knowing that Spirit is within us all! Love is what connects us to this world. Love is what connects us to each other.

Love can hurt and Love can heal.

Love can change the world!

See in Love.

Be with Love.

Share the Love.

Namaste

Many Blessings and Much Much Love,
~Faye~

Blogging Just "Git R Done"

Having my own blog gives me license to decide what subjects I will or will not include in my forum. Because it's mine! All mine! Mwahahaha! :-)

Seriously though, there have been several big stories involving the Pagan community that I haven't touched on. This blog is about putting my thoughts, opinions, ideas, words out there. A way for me to voice myself and I haven't really done that.

When I first decided to start this blog, I meant for it to strictly be a Witchcraft 101 type blog. There was a long hiatus when I didn't go near the net shortly after, then I was plugged back into the web and "found" my blog again. There have been several quiet times since and I realize that my fears manifested into blocks of one kind or another that kept me from writing and vlogging.

Like many new bloggers, I found myself in a panic. "No one is reading! How do I 'lure' people in? Do I seem like an idiot? I'm no expert! What do I think I'm doing? Aaaahhhhh!" (Darn Ego!) I let my insecurities and fears get the better of me, thus the absences.

I realize now that I just need to do it. To write. Not having internet or not having a working computer are just excuses for letting the fear (and ego) take control. Libraries have computers that can be used. The phone I have now let's me blog. Heck, if it came down to it, I could go to a friend's house and use their computer.

If I don't have absolutely anyway to blog, then paper and pen/marker/pencil will do. It really isn't just about the blog it's about the writing. It isn't just about the readers, its about voicing/finding myself in my words.

As the writer/creator I find myself in a bit of a pickle. Where do I take this blog?

Like I mentioned above, I originally meant this to be a Witchcraft 101 blog. To "teach so that I may learn." I realize that it is becoming a whole lot more. It is becoming more and more of a very public (if sporadic) journal.

It is a forum to learn to express myself succinctly. To overcome my fear of rejection and stage fright. To share myself and my story with whomever wants to know.

It's about sharing my authentic life as a woman coming to grips with herself, her past, present and future. It's about how a real person deals with finding harmony within her myriad roles as mother, wife, witch and woman. It's about overcoming my fears and living a real life.

Mostly it is about sharing, healing, teaching, and hopefully helping others see that life isn't all cakes and roses. This is my real life. How I deal with it. How my chosen faith helps me cope.

Just a small warning, if you haven't noticed I ramble and I never know which way my posts will go!

Witchiness 101 will still be part of my blog, but it won't be the whole story.

It's about sharing as I change.

Growing.

Expanding.

This is my blog.

My personal, yet public journal.

This is My Story.

To be successful at concurring your fears, you just need to go out and do. Face your fears, face yourself.

If you fall, ok.

Get up, dust yourself off and do it again.

Take a risk.

Take a chance.

Live your authentic life.

You may be surprised at which way your life can go!

Blessings and Love,
~Faye~

Dancing with Karma

Wishing ill will on another is never a good idea...yet what to do when you know that a person is doing and wishing negativity on you or worse your children. I face that dilemma.

A little...venting...background first:

He's very publicly mentioned that he would like to be the one "driving the karma bus" when it comes to me.

He is very passive-aggressive towards the children. He implies that the things he doesn't do and the legal problems that he is facing are their fault.

When he has his visits (can you tell it's my ex that I'm venting about?) He spoils our children: season passes to Sea World, Six Flags, Kindles, swimming with dolphins, etc. The smaller gifts are played with before our children even see them. Yet he colors his lavish gifts with the threats of him facing jail because he cannot afford his child support?!?! He also makes our children leave their gifts at home because as he constantly tells our kids, "Your mom might sell them".

He has dropped hints that he could disappear with the children to a former friend, but she is so affraid of him that she won't go to the police for me.

He's a psychologically abusive person and a compulsive liar. He's smart enough not to get physically abusive, but he enjoys playing with people's minds. He almost destroyed my personality. I don't want him to do the same to our children.

There is more to this story, but I'll stop here.

Back to the dilemma:

Do I have the right to magickally bind and/or banish home from our lives?

I don't wish him harm...I just wish him distant.

Would it be detrimental to my children? Do I keep my tears of worry to myself every time they get upset and confused at what he tells them or they catch on to one of his lies?

I've noticed the hints of karma on my part when I have gotten pissed off enough to wish him harm.

I know that I'm not the only Mom (some Dads go through this too) that has to deal with a dead-beat parent.

It's the psychological games that he plays with my children's minds that gets my dander up!

I would be protecting my children, but it would also give me peace of mind.

Would their be bad karma if I do a binding/banishing? Or would there be bad karma if I don't?

What would you do if it was your children?

I'll ask the Lady to point me in the right direction.

Blessings and Love,
~Faye~

A Self Portrait of An Abuse Survivor

I've been sitting here wondering how to explain my experiences with abuse. Which experience to share?

There are fragmented moments in my memory of molestation, rape, incest that happened when I was a child. There are more images so crisp and clear. Memories that still shock me with their vividness. Rape, beatings, harmful words, exploitation, pain.

Please do not pity me.

I am stronger for every experience. I am more aware of the foulness that a child and a woman can experience and overcome.

At the age of around 5 my sexual experiences with men began with a neighbor. I can almost feel the old mans ragged breath on my ear. I can hear his words again, almost feel his hands on my sacred places, as he described how my body would mature and change. I stood there numb, confused, so stiff and still.

I celebrated the day he died.

There was also my friend's brother, not long after the previous incident. I had gone to see if my friend wanted to play, but she had gone out with her mother. Her brother in cited me in to wait. He showed me some pictures of naked women, telling me that when I grew up I would look like them. I was confused at the response my body had to his touch and lay there like a doll. He took advantage of my wearing a dress to slip his penis past my underwear. The second that it touched my Hymen, I began to fight and ran home. In shock and fear I ran home, and quietly went into the restroom where I got sick and hid my underwear with their spot of blood in the trash.

I had a family member that I looked up to, almost like a big brother. He gave me "special" attention when we were alone. Young and just starting to bloom into womanhood, I trusted him when he said that his "special" attentions were normal but a secret.

I repressed those memories. A child's mind going blank to protect itself from experiences that a child should not have to endure.

The day my friend's brother came back into my life, my world shifted.

I was surprised at the primordial, murderous rage that filled me. At the young age of 12, I could have easily slit his throat as memories flooded my brain. Touches, words, pain. I felt and heard them again.

I was betrayed.

I ran home. Told my mother all. We both cried. She told me that I should have told her when those "things" were done to me. It was too late to do anything about them. I should not have LET "them" do those "things" to me.

It was too late for her to help her daughter.

She never told my father, but neither did I.

My mother played a very strong role in how I would view men and sex during my formative teenage years. (She is also a subject for another time.)

As a preteen I was encouraged to wear make-up, high heels and short tight clothing. Granted I was informed and taught that there was a fine line between sexy and sleezy, but aggressively encouraged non the less.

It was part of the culture that I grew up in. A young women must act and dress maturer than her age. Marriage to an older man was the ultimate prize. Marry young, have lots of babies, bow to your husband's every whim, keep quiet, know your place and above all be complacent.

Thank the Universe for my father! (I'll explain his quiet foundational role in another blog!)

At 15 I was raped by a stranger at knife point. Young and naive I kept quiet while the man conducted his business with the body my mind had escaped from. I don't know how I got home. I came back to myself in the shower. Scrubbing hard in the steaming water while tears of repulsion ran down my cheeks.

I almost committed suicide that night. Once again my father played a quiet, vital role.

Within a year I was dating a very handsome young man. We considered marriage. We were happy except when we argued. One night he beat me. A slap on the face followed by punches to the stomach. While I lay on the ground he wrapped his hands around my throat. He screamed and yelled. After be left I crawled into bed and cried myself to sleep.

Two nights later, he came to apologize. We started arguing again. He knocked me down and started kicking me. He left me on the ground and drove away.

My parents were gone both times and the neighbors never called the police. I never told anyone at the time.

Skip forward a few years. At 20 I met a man that I would marry. We would have three beautiful children. I followed him clear across country. Away from my family and friends. He became the center of my world.

He had a habit that I eventually joined in. He liked Meth and marijuana. I used to worry when I would be at work, because he would go hang out with his friends, our children tagging along. He encouraged me to take part in his indulgences and I did. My excuse was that it would keep him home.

It did and our relationship deteriorated. He was passive-aggressive. He was too smart to hit me, but he was good at playing mind games. He could reduce me to a mumbling mess of tears and self loathing with a few words. He played upon my past, my low self-esteem and my weaknesses. His favorite taunt was warning me that he could disappear into Mexico with our children and I would never see them again.

I feared him. I used to wish he would just beat me, so that I would have physical evidence of the abuse he enjoys doling out.

I sobered up. He left us and filed for divorce.

He is a psychological abuser. He still plays his games to this day. He knows he has no hold on me with his lies and taunts.

In a twisted way, I owe him thanks. He was the last straw, so to speak. I have opened my eyes to my strength and will.

He still plays his games, but now with our children. Unfortunately Idaho has no laws against psychological abuse. I protect them as I can. It breaks my heart that I can't stop or at least make his visits supervised.

I have lived through several forms of abuse. I am still working on my self. I take it day by day.

I refuse to call myself a victim. Having a victim mentality implies that my abuser still has power over me.

Being a survivor means that I have taken back control of my life.

This is only a small part of my self portrait. A small example of some of what I have survived.

If you have experienced abuse, don't be shamed into keeping silent. Speak out. It could help others know that there are other survivors.

To state again:

Abuse comes in many forms...and hurts anyway that it is dealt out.

Open the dialogue.

Be aware.

Report it.

Seek help.

Share your story.

Let the healing start.

We need to share the pain to lessen the hurt.

We need to pass on the message that "It Shouldn't Hurt To Be A Child".

Blessings and Love,
~Faye~

"It Shouldn't Hurt To Be A Child"

For the 5th year radio DJ Keke Luv is doing his "Live for 175" broadcast to bring awareness to Child Abuse.

This event takes place in Boise, ID on 103.3 KISS-FM. This year's event will has started today at 10am today (as I write this) and will continue for 175 hours ending April 27. Keke Luv will be traveling around the Treasure Valley, with scheduled stops, during the live broadcasting in a van renovated into a small radio station.

Keke Luv went into the mobile radio station with nothing but the clothes on his back, where he will live for 7 days. The twist is that every 4 hours a poll will be taken on Facebook, on what items Keke will be allowed to have to make his stay as bearable as possible such as water, food, toilet paper, a pillow, a foot rub, etc. He will not be able to leave the confines of the van that will travel to various locations during the broadcast.

Anyone who wants to share there story can call in, write in or stop by one of the live locations during the broadcast. The schedule for appearences is here.

It seems like such a simple idea to broadcast live for a week and welcome people to share their stories of abuse. This man has had the courage to do some of the darndest things to bring awareness to this cause and he has changed so many lives!

Keke Luv's fight for awareness began in Spokane, WA where he along with Lucky the DJ were working for one of the radio stations in that area, when news broke of 4yr old Summer Phelps. She was tortured and treated worse than an animal until the day she died, by her father and step-mother. This story touched his heart and his zeal followed him to Boise.

2008-The first year of "Live for 175". Keke Luv went 7 days with no sleep and broadcasting live.

2009-Keke Luv ran 7 marathons in 7 days. He ran and walked and made his goal. Cameras and his radio crew following his every painful step.

2010-Keke Luv repeated his 7 days of no sleep, going a step further by adding an 8th day in honor of Robert Manwill, a little boy abused and killed in Boise, and all the children abused that year.

2011-Keke Luv went 7 days without food while staying atop the Child Abuse Awareness billboard on the corner of 9th and Front St. in Boise.

Keke Luv has garnered a loyal following of adults and children who listen in, call in and show up for his "Live for 175" broadcasts. They have held up signs of support at the marathons. They held a candlelight vigil on the 7th night of the 2010 broadcast. Many become volunteers and supporters that help make this broadcast event the success that it is.

The "Live for 175" broadcast events are not held to raise money. Keke Luv does what he does to raise awareness and open up the dialogue on Child Abuse. He has opened the minds and hearts of hundreds (thousands?) of people to come forward, share their stories and start their healing. It's a way for people to reach out to one another. A way for victims...no...survivors to know that they are not alone and it's ok to tell someone. To talk about being abused. To reach out for help and healing.

Many people will call in to share their stories. Many are grown ups, but too many, far too many, are so young. It is very heart wrenching to hear the youngest ones that call in to share. Many lives have changed and will continue to change thanks to the hard work that Keke Luv and all the people involved, put into this broadcast event!

He is an inspiration to so many!

Abuse comes in many forms...and hurts anyway that it is dealt out.

Open the dialogue.

Be aware.

Report it.

Seek help.

Share your story.

Let the healing start.

We need to share the pain to lessen the hurt.

We need to pass on the message that "It Shouldn't Hurt To Be A Child".

Blessings and Love,
~Faye~

Revealing Me

It isn't easy to fall in love with yourself. Falling in love with you means accepting all the flaws that are part of the package. It's very hard to get past one's physical appearance when we are hit on a daily basis of what the media offers as standards for what is considered acceptable.

When I looked at myself in the mirror...and fell in love with myself...I really took a hard look at myself and my body.

I took a long hard look at my stomach and cried. There is, what I call, a kangroo pouch. It will never be naturally flat, no matter how many crunches I do. There is a slight overlap of skin on the underside.

I felt the familiar angry, ugly, emotional words begin to dance in my thoughts...until..

Gently ran my fingers along the verticle "tiger stripes" of discolored flesh. Live for my children ran through me and transforsmed my thoughts. I cried in utter joy and fascination as my own Mother Love washed my thoughts clean.

This imperfect part of me was the covering for the inner core of what made me Woman. It sheltered the womb that had brought forth life from within it's warm, secure confines.

Multiple times, this imperfect part of my body, had created something beautiful and magical out of a relationship that had robbed me of My Self. That Self that is part of the Creatrix in all Her glory. Several times this beautifully imperfect part of me had shown me how strong I am and how much pain I can overcome.

The housing of my womb, had brought forth life and it had lost life. Those painfilled times that the magic did not take hold and slipped from this world accompanied by my tears. Those moments of agony have allowed my Mother Love to grow. To expand beyond the Mother Instincts for my own children, to include all the children of this world.

My Mother Love lives, grows, strengthens within the beautiful shelter with it's markings of gloriousness. Mother Love brings forgiveness for all the wrongs I have done and all the wrongs done to me.

I can forgive and love my children. I can forgive and love my abusers.

I can forgive and love My Self.

This imperfect, beautifully marked part of me has opened my mind and my heart to re-birth the Mother Love that is My Power, My Legacy.

I Love Me!

I Love You!

Can you learn to Love You?

Many Blessings and Much Love to All,
~Faye~

Many Blessings and Much Love to All!
I just wanted to get this short note in before bed.
As you can tell my last couple of blogs have been very short. I, once again, do not have internet on my PC. finances being what they are. The last couple of posts have been done through my phone (love technology!).
So at least my blog is in operation again. My YouTube, though, is still active and I will work on getting blogs up using wifi and my phone. (Got my fingers crossed for that one.)
I am on Twitter and Facebook daily. So you can catch me or message me on either one.
My life has been hectic the last few months. Karma is a bitch, but I accept the consequences of my actions.
I still want to do a "contest/drawing" for my venues. I have been planning to do one for some time. The prize(s?) has been my issue.
I am still around and am planning a very very personal blog tomorrow.
I got a glimpse of where My Path has been leading me with all it's bumps, dips, twists and turns. I realize that all that I am going through is for a reason.
The Goddess works in wonderous ways!
Sweetest Dreams!
~Faye~

Falling in Love

I had an emotional moment today. A positive emotional moment.

I started to walk past a mirror. There is nothing special about this mirror in itself. I walk past it several times a day. Nothing has changed on this mirror. Except today...

The difference was IN the mirror.

The difference was IN the person IN the mirror.

The difference was IN me.

I stopped and looked. For once I saw past the flaws. I saw the beauty in my imperfections and embraced them. Accepted them. Fell in love with them.

I fell in love with my imperfections and their beauty.

I fell in love with ME!

Take a moment to see the beauty behind the flaws.

Take a look at the beauty of your true self.

Accept the real you.

Fall in love with you!

It's a romance that can last a lifetime if you'll let it...

Blessings and Love,
~Faye~

Spring Cleaning!

It's that time of year. The days grow longer and warmer...not here though. Weather is still goin back and forth!

Despite the weather, I've caught the Spring Cleaning bug like many others. I found an article that has some great homade cleaning "recipes" that I am eager to try and pass on.

http://www.pauladeenmagazine.com/articles.php?id=240

I hope you have fun with this!

Blessings and Love,
~Faye~