I Remember

He turns twelve today. An official pre-teen. The years have flown by so quickly. I can still remember that very first time that I held him. 

It was the scariest few seconds of my life.

I had been in labor for days. "Something wasn't right," my instincts screamed as we headed to the hospital...again.

I was admitted this time. In my own room, finally, they had hooked me up to the monitors. I didn't like the sound of my baby's heartbeat.

The doctors face told me that he didn't either, but he was kind enough to try to put on a good front. No good doctor wants to scare a pregnant woman.

They had to induce me. Nothing happened.

Hours later I still hadn't dilated enough. Baby's heartbeat was getting worse. The doctor himself took a look to see how we were doing. He looked  at me very worriedly. "There is a tear in the placenta lining, but the baby's head is blocking it. That's why your water hasn't broken. If we can't get it to break we'll have to do a C-section."

They eventually had to tear the lining just above the baby's head. My water broke and the pain began.

He came soon after...

...but he wasn't crying...

They put him on some sort of warming table. The nurses and the pediatrician were cleaning him off. I watched and listened.

Fear gripped me tighter and tighter as the seconds passed...

One small plaintive cry came from the tiny little bundle! Followed by another!

They placed him on my stomach for only a brief moment.

He looked beautiful! Every finger and toe just as they should be, but....

"Ma'am, I'm sorry but we have to take him now. He isn't breathing like he should," the pediatrician stated matter of factly.

"I know. Do what you have to. Help him."  Gods I was so weak.

I looked at my then-husband. "Follow him. I'll be alright. Watch him for me."

He shook his head yes and followed the nurses and pediatrician out the door. My heart went too as I stayed on the bed as the gynecologist cleaned and sewed me up.

As soon as I could stand I was up and walking to the pediatric area. My heart skipped a beat when I saw the oxygen tube in his little nose and IVs in both his arms. The nurse that was working on him told me that the doctor was on the phone at that moment calling the children's hospital in Boise. They were going to have to send him there due to a sever breathing complications. It was one of the best NICUs in the area.

I nodded. I couldn't talk. I cried silently . I couldn't hold his little hand, because of the tubes, so I held his tiny foot instead. I stood there saying silent prayers to all the gods.

The e.m.t.s came quickly with a special incubator. I kissed my son on top of his head and got out of the way. I watched as the e.m.t.s worked diligently but carefully. I cried as I watched them wheeled my son away down the long corridor.

My doctor came out of the nurses station at that moment with release papers for me to sign so that I could follow my son to the children's hospital.

I followed.

A one hour drive. Just hours after giving birth. I followed.

Seeing him in the NICU almost had me on the floor. They had put several more tubes into his arms. They had to remove his umbilical cord in order to put a tube into the artery that was there. It was easier for him that way so that they could draw blood and get medications into him without having to poke him constantly. He had the oxygen tube in his nose and monitors attached to him. It was a scene straight out of a science fiction movie.

For eight days I begged friends for rides. I borrowed money for gas to drive to Boise. I called the children's hospital every few hours when I wasn't there. I had two toddlers at home. I couldn't stay at the hospital as much as I would have liked. I saw him every day for at least a couple of hours. I only missed one day and it broke my heart.

On the ninth day he came home.  There had been a few close calls and they had so many tubes connected to him. It was a very scary experience.

To this day he has asthma, but he is otherwise healthy. I am grateful for every day that I get to hear him say, "I love you, mom."

Every year on this day I relive those nine days and all the fear, panic, helplessness that I felt then.

I am very grateful to have him in my life and I wish him Many Blessings and Much Love on this special day!

~Faye~

"I am where I am because of the choices I made"

It's such a simple sentence in structure, yet the meaning that it conveys is massive. It's a quote that I return to time and time again. I usually conjure it up when my life gets tough.

I am where I am because of the choices I have made.

Such simple truth. I wrote that years ago when my divorce was at it's worst and I almost lost my children the first time.

Things are tough again. My son has to ask his wrestling teammates if any of them have some old wrestling shoes so that he can participate. There won't be a month's salary for me because the state has decided to garnish 100% of my "disposable" income. We won't have Internet or cell phones in a couple of weeks. We barely have food in the house. Hubby's next check will have to cover rent with not much left over.

I could go on and on with the woes, but it gets so depressing. I realise that I have allowed all this to happen, in fact, I asked for it!

I am where I am because of the choices I made.

I can do a few things to alleviate some of the stress. We'll be visiting the local food pantry in the morning and while we have phones and Internet, I will apply for food assistance from the state. (Yes, I am actually admitting to this!)

A teammate has offered my son his old wrestling shoes, if he can find them. I won't ask my son to give up wrestling because it has given him some motivation to continue to improve his grades and himself. As soon as we can afford to, we will be buying him some shoes for wrestling that will fit him.

No paychecks for a month...it could be worse I could have no job and no paychecks, besides this will pay off the state tax commission and it will be one less bill to worry about afterwards.

Yes, things are very dismal right now, but I haven't given up hope nor lost faith. I have no one else to blame for the way that things have gotten. I take full responsibility for the hardships that we are going through, because I wasn't as responsible as I should have been.

I am where I am because of the choices I made.

That being said about the present, what about the future?

I am where I am because of the choices I made.

The choices that I make now will effect the path my life will take. I refuse to wallow in self pity, but I acknowledge the mistakes that I have made and will work to make appropriate decisions at the crucial time.

I am where I am because of the choices I made.

It is a simple fact,  not an excuse to give up. It states that I am responsible for my life and my actions. It is no one else's fault but my own, if my life isn't what or where I want it to be. It is a recognition of a divergence of what/where I would prefer my life to be and what/where it actually is at this present moment. It is a reference that my life could, can, and will change if when I choose to change the present course that I am on.

I am where I am because of the choices I made.

Blessings and Love

~Faye~

Make Choices, Not Excuses

I haven't blogged in several days and I haven't posted any new videos on YouTube in a couple of weeks.  It's very easy to make valid sounding excuses for not doing either, but it really comes down to choice.

I made the choice not to do either.

Life is about choices, not excuses.

You have to choose to do.

There are times that I feel inadequate when I read other blogs or watch other videos, but I chose to start doing a blog (and vlogging) to overcome my shyness and those feelings of inadequacy. I do enjoy putting my thoughts out into the world, because it gives me a chance to learn who I am and to express that succinctly.

Everyone comes across those moments when they can either do or back down. Most of the time backing down comes from fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of inadequacies. Fear of being seen/heard.

I know, understand and embrace that I fear. I also realise that I need to overcome those fears. It isn't an easy road to "choose to do", but it is one that I have to travel to be true to myself.

Like my hubby likes to say, "Excuses are like assholes. Everybody has at least one." :-)

Excuses are just a chicken shit way of avoiding something that makes us uncomfortable. The problem is that in order to experience life you have to put yourself in some uncomfortable situations. If you aren't willing to get out of your comfort zone than you will never know what you may accomplish.

The worst that can happen with my blogs is that no one will read them. So what. At least I am making an effort to put my words out there and if nothing else it's a good way for me to practice my spelling, punctuation and grammar. :-) (I am pretty bad at all three!)

The one thing that I have noticed about choosing to start a blog and doing videos, is that it does boost my self confidence and sets a good example for my kiddos.They know that I am choosing to put myself in an uncomfortable situation. It shows them that it's ok to get out of your comfort zone.

I choose to face my fears.

I choose to express who I am.

I choose to put myself out there.

I choose to do.

There are still several things that I want to do. I can't at the moment. I won't make excuses for not doing them. I have made the choice to postpone doing them. I have also made the choice that as soon as I can, they will happen. 

Is there something that you want to do? Something that you keep making excuses not to? face your fears and admit, even if only to yourself, why you haven't done them and make the choice to find a way to accomplish what you would like to do.

"Stop making excuses and just do it"--Nike T-shirt

Life Quizes and Change

Universe has been giving me some serious "clues" that a Change was coming. I wasn't aware at first about what was coming, but I could feel the energies of Change growing around me.

When Change is about to take place, my energies falter, my shields weaken and I become more susceptible to the energies and emotions around me. It's almost as if my Inner-Self is preparing for the bombardment of energy shifts that are coming. Like a track runner at the starting line, tensing up and preparing for when the starting gun goes off.

It isn't a depression, but pretty darn close. When depression hits, I just want to hide from the world. Disappear from all my responsibilities and an urge to do nothing. This is what I call The Calm, the calm before the storm. You know it's coming, you can see and feel it, but a calmness is between you and The Storm of Change. Everything seems to slow down, as you make preperations for the onslaught coming your way.

I usually get a lot of "hints" from Universe about Changes. My biggest problem is that I haven't relearned to trust my Intuition. But Universe is prepared for that and it isn't always nice about it.

If the "hints" that Universe is sending you aren't quite making sense, then Universe will throw "tests" at you. These "tests" are more like "pop quizzes" (Remember those!). No preparation, no warning, just a BAM! and life smacks you a good one...or two...or more.

These Life Quizzes are not meant for you to feel like "life's not fair" or "why does this always happen to me". They are thrown at you to show you just how much you have grown in your spirituality. How "strong" you have become. It is Universe's way of pushing you to your limits so that you will see that you can get out of your comfort zone.

Life Quizzes test your faith (it happens no matter what religion you follow), the sincerity in the Path that you have chosen to walk through life.

To use myself as an example: I am a follower of Goddess and God and I will live a complacent life and know that they will give me all I need to live.

That is not how it works! You do not sit idly by and wait for anything you need and or want to fall into your lap by the grace of Universe.

Every day I have to show them that not only am I their follower, but I am their child. I do not blindly follow their "leadership", but work with them to provide what I need to live. I have to work at bringing    insert desire or need here   into my life.

Every day I have to express that Lady and Lord are a part of Me and I AM a part of Them. I have to love and respect My Self as I Am, as much as I love and respect Them!

In Buddhist philosophy--life is about suffering, enlightenment is about the ending of suffering.

Life Quizzes can and will cause suffering to some degree. It may be a mild annoyance or it could be a heartache of some kind. Just realise that it is not about Universe being cruel, it IS about Universe showing you your strengths.

It IS about YOU ARE what YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE! It isn't to test your faith in your Diety, but to test your faith in YOU!

So when Universe throws down a Life Quiz, know that you will pass and embrace the Change that follows!

I WILL!

Blessings and Love

~Faye~

Forgiving Myself

Trying to find a balance with the 10 Zen Precepts, the 13 Principles of Wiccan Belief, and some of my own personal truths is turning out to be easier than I thought it could be, as there are many similarities between them. All of the Precepts feel true to me by one degree or another, but they should not be taken at face value. There is a depth to those simple sentences that when studied, meditated on and absorbed that is very profound.

I will be delving into only one of the Precepts in this post, since it was the one that hit me the hardest when I had listened to the Infinite Smile podcast. The 9th Precept--Do not harbor anger.

At first listening to the podcast, it made so much sense that harboring anger towards others is detrimental towards spiritual growth.

There are several individuals that I still hold anger towards even though years have gone by on some incidents.  I started realising that I had to start letting those resentments go. My mind started whirling different thoughts on ways that I could work on those issues, both magickally and mundane. It was just so many ideas hitting me all at once, until one thought stopped me in my tracks and brought tears to my eyes...

...the world stopped...

For only a few seconds, but my life flashed before me...

...and one thought stood uppermost in my mind...

...How can I forgive other people...When I haven't forgiven...myself?

Now mind you I was at work at the time, and for a good 5 minutes not one customer came through the doors and the phones did not ring in that time either, thank the Mother.

It was such an epiphany! On of those that will change my life, if I let it.

It won't be easy, because many of the mental and emotional scars run very deep. I have to forgive myself for things that I have done and things that were done to me. I have to face my inner daemons even more deeply than I ever have. I have faced my Darkness Within but I had never forgiven Her/Myself. I have accepted and acknowledged Her/Myself, but I had never told her those three simple words..."I am sorry".

I have wondered many times why these last couple of years I have felt like I was going nowhere spiritually. My magickal and mundane life has been at a standstill and it was driving me nuts!

Now I know.

Now once again, during the first full moon after the Witch's New Year, I will call on my Darkness Within. It will be a daunting task. I will have to open my heart, mind and soul to all the deepest pains that I have experienced and face the pains that I have caused others.

I won't lie...I am scared...so very, very scared!

I find myself saying the very first witch prayer that I wrote and the words have more meaning to me now as I ready myself for the journey that I am about to take...

Lady grant me strength, grant me wisdom, grant me power.

Lord grant me love, grant me prosperity, grant me protection.

Blessings and Love

~Faye~