I Remember

He turns twelve today. An official pre-teen. The years have flown by so quickly. I can still remember that very first time that I held him. 

It was the scariest few seconds of my life.

I had been in labor for days. "Something wasn't right," my instincts screamed as we headed to the hospital...again.

I was admitted this time. In my own room, finally, they had hooked me up to the monitors. I didn't like the sound of my baby's heartbeat.

The doctors face told me that he didn't either, but he was kind enough to try to put on a good front. No good doctor wants to scare a pregnant woman.

They had to induce me. Nothing happened.

Hours later I still hadn't dilated enough. Baby's heartbeat was getting worse. The doctor himself took a look to see how we were doing. He looked  at me very worriedly. "There is a tear in the placenta lining, but the baby's head is blocking it. That's why your water hasn't broken. If we can't get it to break we'll have to do a C-section."

They eventually had to tear the lining just above the baby's head. My water broke and the pain began.

He came soon after...

...but he wasn't crying...

They put him on some sort of warming table. The nurses and the pediatrician were cleaning him off. I watched and listened.

Fear gripped me tighter and tighter as the seconds passed...

One small plaintive cry came from the tiny little bundle! Followed by another!

They placed him on my stomach for only a brief moment.

He looked beautiful! Every finger and toe just as they should be, but....

"Ma'am, I'm sorry but we have to take him now. He isn't breathing like he should," the pediatrician stated matter of factly.

"I know. Do what you have to. Help him."  Gods I was so weak.

I looked at my then-husband. "Follow him. I'll be alright. Watch him for me."

He shook his head yes and followed the nurses and pediatrician out the door. My heart went too as I stayed on the bed as the gynecologist cleaned and sewed me up.

As soon as I could stand I was up and walking to the pediatric area. My heart skipped a beat when I saw the oxygen tube in his little nose and IVs in both his arms. The nurse that was working on him told me that the doctor was on the phone at that moment calling the children's hospital in Boise. They were going to have to send him there due to a sever breathing complications. It was one of the best NICUs in the area.

I nodded. I couldn't talk. I cried silently . I couldn't hold his little hand, because of the tubes, so I held his tiny foot instead. I stood there saying silent prayers to all the gods.

The e.m.t.s came quickly with a special incubator. I kissed my son on top of his head and got out of the way. I watched as the e.m.t.s worked diligently but carefully. I cried as I watched them wheeled my son away down the long corridor.

My doctor came out of the nurses station at that moment with release papers for me to sign so that I could follow my son to the children's hospital.

I followed.

A one hour drive. Just hours after giving birth. I followed.

Seeing him in the NICU almost had me on the floor. They had put several more tubes into his arms. They had to remove his umbilical cord in order to put a tube into the artery that was there. It was easier for him that way so that they could draw blood and get medications into him without having to poke him constantly. He had the oxygen tube in his nose and monitors attached to him. It was a scene straight out of a science fiction movie.

For eight days I begged friends for rides. I borrowed money for gas to drive to Boise. I called the children's hospital every few hours when I wasn't there. I had two toddlers at home. I couldn't stay at the hospital as much as I would have liked. I saw him every day for at least a couple of hours. I only missed one day and it broke my heart.

On the ninth day he came home.  There had been a few close calls and they had so many tubes connected to him. It was a very scary experience.

To this day he has asthma, but he is otherwise healthy. I am grateful for every day that I get to hear him say, "I love you, mom."

Every year on this day I relive those nine days and all the fear, panic, helplessness that I felt then.

I am very grateful to have him in my life and I wish him Many Blessings and Much Love on this special day!

~Faye~

Life Is Too Short

There was a truck vs car wreck at my work yesterday. I did not witness the actual accident itself, but I did see the emergency crews do what they do best, keeping order and saving lives.

I watched the watchers. I watched what could have been a tragedy unfold and just how quickly it became a spectator sport. The people that filled up my parking lot to gawk at the accident, take pictures and sometimes get in the way. I wanted to scream at the watchers to either help or get lost.

The ones that touched my heart were the men that ran to help as soon as the accident happened. (It is a very small town and there are plenty of guys that are trained as volunteer firemen and paramedics.) One young was really shook up when he came into the store, after the emergency crews showed up, to wash the blood off his shaking hands.. He couldn't have been more than 20, a former volunteer fireman that was in town visiting his girlfriend.

Both drivers lived and there were no passengers in either vehicle. I simple mistake of running a red light on a 40 mph highway that could have been worse.

I realised that I felt helpless. I wanted to run out and help. How? I don't know. There were plenty of people who knew what to do out there at the scene. I didn't want to be a nuisance so I kept my distance.

The rest of my shift was a blur.

Life is short. So very, very short.

It can end or altar drastically in an instant.

I am NOT where I want to be at this moment in my life. That is a fact.

I have found several "reasons" why I am only making baby steps to get to where I want to be. Those are excuses!

Some of the reasons are legitimate, but too many of them are from my ego, myself and my fears getting in the way.

One legitimate one is my financial situation. It sucks! (As my daughter would say.) Yet, I know that it will improve and I will HAVE TO start taking larger strides in the direction that I want to travel.

There is a plan forming in my head. It starts at Yule. I should have my internet back up by then (it will be going off in a few days of this posting) and I will be sharing my experiences with you. I will try very hard to do this daily. It's something that I haphazardly started on Summer Solstice and I have to confess I haven't been as ardent as I should have been.

Mama Moon and Me

Transforming ones life is no easy task, but time is short...Life is short...too short!

From now till Yule I will be studying my minuscule witchy library and coming up with tasks for me to do to better myself and my life.

There is way too much of life that I have yet to live.

Changes will occur. (I am not comfortable with change!)

The road will fork from time to time.

But I have faith!

After all...Life Is Too Short... for me to let it pass me by.

I owe it my children...

...I owe it to myself!

Life is too short...

Time To Live!


Blessings and Love

~Faye~

Make Choices, Not Excuses

I haven't blogged in several days and I haven't posted any new videos on YouTube in a couple of weeks.  It's very easy to make valid sounding excuses for not doing either, but it really comes down to choice.

I made the choice not to do either.

Life is about choices, not excuses.

You have to choose to do.

There are times that I feel inadequate when I read other blogs or watch other videos, but I chose to start doing a blog (and vlogging) to overcome my shyness and those feelings of inadequacy. I do enjoy putting my thoughts out into the world, because it gives me a chance to learn who I am and to express that succinctly.

Everyone comes across those moments when they can either do or back down. Most of the time backing down comes from fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of inadequacies. Fear of being seen/heard.

I know, understand and embrace that I fear. I also realise that I need to overcome those fears. It isn't an easy road to "choose to do", but it is one that I have to travel to be true to myself.

Like my hubby likes to say, "Excuses are like assholes. Everybody has at least one." :-)

Excuses are just a chicken shit way of avoiding something that makes us uncomfortable. The problem is that in order to experience life you have to put yourself in some uncomfortable situations. If you aren't willing to get out of your comfort zone than you will never know what you may accomplish.

The worst that can happen with my blogs is that no one will read them. So what. At least I am making an effort to put my words out there and if nothing else it's a good way for me to practice my spelling, punctuation and grammar. :-) (I am pretty bad at all three!)

The one thing that I have noticed about choosing to start a blog and doing videos, is that it does boost my self confidence and sets a good example for my kiddos.They know that I am choosing to put myself in an uncomfortable situation. It shows them that it's ok to get out of your comfort zone.

I choose to face my fears.

I choose to express who I am.

I choose to put myself out there.

I choose to do.

There are still several things that I want to do. I can't at the moment. I won't make excuses for not doing them. I have made the choice to postpone doing them. I have also made the choice that as soon as I can, they will happen. 

Is there something that you want to do? Something that you keep making excuses not to? face your fears and admit, even if only to yourself, why you haven't done them and make the choice to find a way to accomplish what you would like to do.

"Stop making excuses and just do it"--Nike T-shirt

PMSing-TMI

I used to Hate this Time of the Month!

I used to Dread It.

Loath My Body during That Time.

Hated the Pain and the Mess.

How Iinconvenient My Body could be at times.

Now I am Learning to Embrace that part of My Body's Cycle.

Even the Unpleasantness of It: Mood Swings, Cramping, Bloating, Cravings, Lack of Energy.

I am Learning to Cope with My Self in ways that I was Never Taught How!

I will Teach my Daughter and Any Other Young Woman who Wishes to Know...

This IS Natural!

Do Not Fear!

Do Not Loath!

Accept It.

Work With It.

This IS Proof that You are Unique...

You Are Powerful...

You Are Strong...

You Are Beautiful...

You Are Woman...

Rejoice!


Blessings and Love
~Faye~

Life Quizes and Change

Universe has been giving me some serious "clues" that a Change was coming. I wasn't aware at first about what was coming, but I could feel the energies of Change growing around me.

When Change is about to take place, my energies falter, my shields weaken and I become more susceptible to the energies and emotions around me. It's almost as if my Inner-Self is preparing for the bombardment of energy shifts that are coming. Like a track runner at the starting line, tensing up and preparing for when the starting gun goes off.

It isn't a depression, but pretty darn close. When depression hits, I just want to hide from the world. Disappear from all my responsibilities and an urge to do nothing. This is what I call The Calm, the calm before the storm. You know it's coming, you can see and feel it, but a calmness is between you and The Storm of Change. Everything seems to slow down, as you make preperations for the onslaught coming your way.

I usually get a lot of "hints" from Universe about Changes. My biggest problem is that I haven't relearned to trust my Intuition. But Universe is prepared for that and it isn't always nice about it.

If the "hints" that Universe is sending you aren't quite making sense, then Universe will throw "tests" at you. These "tests" are more like "pop quizzes" (Remember those!). No preparation, no warning, just a BAM! and life smacks you a good one...or two...or more.

These Life Quizzes are not meant for you to feel like "life's not fair" or "why does this always happen to me". They are thrown at you to show you just how much you have grown in your spirituality. How "strong" you have become. It is Universe's way of pushing you to your limits so that you will see that you can get out of your comfort zone.

Life Quizzes test your faith (it happens no matter what religion you follow), the sincerity in the Path that you have chosen to walk through life.

To use myself as an example: I am a follower of Goddess and God and I will live a complacent life and know that they will give me all I need to live.

That is not how it works! You do not sit idly by and wait for anything you need and or want to fall into your lap by the grace of Universe.

Every day I have to show them that not only am I their follower, but I am their child. I do not blindly follow their "leadership", but work with them to provide what I need to live. I have to work at bringing    insert desire or need here   into my life.

Every day I have to express that Lady and Lord are a part of Me and I AM a part of Them. I have to love and respect My Self as I Am, as much as I love and respect Them!

In Buddhist philosophy--life is about suffering, enlightenment is about the ending of suffering.

Life Quizzes can and will cause suffering to some degree. It may be a mild annoyance or it could be a heartache of some kind. Just realise that it is not about Universe being cruel, it IS about Universe showing you your strengths.

It IS about YOU ARE what YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE! It isn't to test your faith in your Diety, but to test your faith in YOU!

So when Universe throws down a Life Quiz, know that you will pass and embrace the Change that follows!

I WILL!

Blessings and Love

~Faye~

He Walks into Manhood

My oldest will be turning 16 in a few short days.

How the time flies!

I've been thinking on this alot. He is becoming the man that I know he can be, but there is still so much of the innocent young boy in him as well. I watch him with his friends and remember what it was like to watch him when he could barely crawl on the floor. I hear him talk and laugh and recall the first girggles and his first word.

He has gotten so big and so strong. Football has done him a world of good. It has built up his muscles and his self-confidence. He has found some good friends and kept some great friends along the way. 

It is so hard to type this out with all the tears falling from my eyes.

Letting go of your child's hand, knowing that he is fast approaching the time when he will walk into the world and you hope and pray that you have taught him all that he will need to know and survive...to thrive.

I am so proud of him and so scared for him.

We've got a couple of years left to work on a few more things, but I know that he will be the kind of man that any woman will be proud to walk next to. I know that he will make someone a good partner some day, hopefully not too soon.

I do want him to live a life. To experience life. To taste life. To enjoy life.

He will make mistakes along the way, and just like when he was young, I'll be there for him no matter what.

It's hard for a mother to let a child go...grow, but it is a part of life and he is part of my legacy to the world. He will do great things in his life. He may not become president of the US (but then again...) but he will accomplish something great, even if it is as simple as making someone else happy.

He has such a protective heart. He stood up to man, when he was just a child, to protect his mother. Not enough men will do that in this world.

With great pride I will watch him, from a distance, as he walks off to face what life has to give him. With courage, strength and fortitude he will step into manhood to forge his own Path in this life.

My little boy will soon be a man!

On a Personal Note...

I wanted to take the time to tell everyone that I have a wonderful husband.

He has been supportive of every endevor that I have chosen to take on.

He has been an inspiration to me and our children. He has been a great dad, even though the kiddos drive him nuts! He was willing to take on a ready-made family that is barely controled chaos!

Our marriage may not be the perfect marriage, but it is perfect to us!

Now that I have embarassed the man...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HONEY!!!

:-p

With lots of Love, Faye

Harvest Moon

I hope everyone had a wonderful Harvest Moon celebration. I know I did. :-)

It was very simple and very moving. It was just the moon and me! No candles...no fire...no incense...no tools...nothing but me and the Moon.

It was a very refreshing experience. How many of you can let go of all the complexity of a ritual and just do one with nothing else but yourself?