Forgiving Myself

Trying to find a balance with the 10 Zen Precepts, the 13 Principles of Wiccan Belief, and some of my own personal truths is turning out to be easier than I thought it could be, as there are many similarities between them. All of the Precepts feel true to me by one degree or another, but they should not be taken at face value. There is a depth to those simple sentences that when studied, meditated on and absorbed that is very profound.

I will be delving into only one of the Precepts in this post, since it was the one that hit me the hardest when I had listened to the Infinite Smile podcast. The 9th Precept--Do not harbor anger.

At first listening to the podcast, it made so much sense that harboring anger towards others is detrimental towards spiritual growth.

There are several individuals that I still hold anger towards even though years have gone by on some incidents.  I started realising that I had to start letting those resentments go. My mind started whirling different thoughts on ways that I could work on those issues, both magickally and mundane. It was just so many ideas hitting me all at once, until one thought stopped me in my tracks and brought tears to my eyes...

...the world stopped...

For only a few seconds, but my life flashed before me...

...and one thought stood uppermost in my mind...

...How can I forgive other people...When I haven't forgiven...myself?

Now mind you I was at work at the time, and for a good 5 minutes not one customer came through the doors and the phones did not ring in that time either, thank the Mother.

It was such an epiphany! On of those that will change my life, if I let it.

It won't be easy, because many of the mental and emotional scars run very deep. I have to forgive myself for things that I have done and things that were done to me. I have to face my inner daemons even more deeply than I ever have. I have faced my Darkness Within but I had never forgiven Her/Myself. I have accepted and acknowledged Her/Myself, but I had never told her those three simple words..."I am sorry".

I have wondered many times why these last couple of years I have felt like I was going nowhere spiritually. My magickal and mundane life has been at a standstill and it was driving me nuts!

Now I know.

Now once again, during the first full moon after the Witch's New Year, I will call on my Darkness Within. It will be a daunting task. I will have to open my heart, mind and soul to all the deepest pains that I have experienced and face the pains that I have caused others.

I won't lie...I am scared...so very, very scared!

I find myself saying the very first witch prayer that I wrote and the words have more meaning to me now as I ready myself for the journey that I am about to take...

Lady grant me strength, grant me wisdom, grant me power.

Lord grant me love, grant me prosperity, grant me protection.

Blessings and Love

~Faye~